


Limerence

by heyyourgoldfishsucks



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fenris Needs a Hug, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Purple Hawke, Red-Purple Hawke, at least for the first chapter, but fenris always gets the hug in the end, kinda angsty, like really mild, maybe more like implied idk, ok i lied there's more angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-09-25 17:27:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9834452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyyourgoldfishsucks/pseuds/heyyourgoldfishsucks
Summary: “Because even though Kirkwall still didn’t feel like home to Hawke, he did.”Fenris is still healing and the nights are the worst, but Hawke is here to stay.-The first chapter can also be read as a one shot!-





	1. I

Hawke yawned and slowly lifted his hands up in the air to stretch his tired limbs as he walked up the stairs leading to the bedroom. Another crazy day in Kirkwall had turned into night hours ago, and Hawke was finally back from Darktown where Anders had dragged him, Varric and Merrill to deal with some people, presumably templars, harassing the clinic. But of course they had discovered that they were actually blood mages that had heard of Justice and were planning to kidnap Anders in hopes of somehow releasing the spirit and using it to their advantage.

 

Hawke shook his head. Couldn’t just one god damn day here be normal? A “hey Hawke could you help me with this totally trivial thing like taking this lost girl back to her father” every once in a while would be nice. This whole “hey Hawke the blood mages are at it again” thing was really starting to feel old.

 

At least there was one thing in his life that gave him a sense of normality. A smile crept up on his face as he approached the door and knew that he was just seconds away from burying his face in the whiteness of Fenris’ hair, smelling like home, like safety, making everything disappear for a moment and all that was left was a sense of belonging.

 

Because even though Kirkwall still didn’t feel like home to Hawke, he did.

 

Hawke started slowly opening the door, trying to be as quiet as he could to not wake Fenris up before covering him in kisses, his smile widening at every inch the door crept open. But then he noticed the light, _the blue light_ , and the smile on his face swept away, his mouth opening to a desperate _no_ as the door swung open and he leapt towards the bed.

 

Fenris laid on his back, his naked body half covered by the sheets, the tattoos on his skin glowing, emitting the blue light that seemed to cover everything in the room in sadness, in pain, in fear.

 

“NO!” This time the words Hawke mouthed had a voice, a loud voice, a piercing scream of panic that filled the whole room and echoed from the walls. Everything seemed to slow down as Hawke watched Fenris slip his fingertips inside his own chest, heading towards the heart, ready to wrap themselves around it and pull out the organ that was keeping the only loved one Hawke had left alive.

 

Hawke knew that touching him would likely mean that Fenris’ hand would be inside his chest faster than he’d be able to wake him up but he didn’t care, there was no time to soothe him with magic like usually. Hawke jumped on top of Fenris, grabbed his arm with both of his hands and in that instant Fenris snapped, pushing Hawke over from his shoulders as easily as if Hawke wasn’t a full grown man at all but more like ghost. A change of power, Fenris on top of him, his thighs pressing against Hawke’s sides, white hair hanging around his face, anger written all over it as his hand started closing in on Hawke’s chest instead of his own.

 

“Fenris, please, it’s me. It’s me, Hawke. It’s okay, everything’s okay”, Hawke pleaded, trying to sound soothing but the words came out sounding like a plea for his life, panicked, hurried, having no effect as the look on Fenris’ face stayed the same and Hawke prepared himself for the worst. Fenris’ fingers clashed with Hawke’s chest, he could feel them sinking through his skin, an indescribable pain, _I’m dying, I’m dying,_ lasting only a fraction of a second but still leaving him gasping for air as Fenris suddenly pulled his hand away, the glow on his tattoos fading.

 

Fenris' panicked eyes stared into Hawke’s as his mouth opened, a look of realization that shifted into pain before he turned away, his shaking fingers wrapping around the sheets, slowly pulling them to cover himself up. The warm touch of his thighs disappeared from Hawke’s side as Fenris got up, but after his knees failed to keep him upright, he sat down on the edge of the bed, his back facing Hawke.

 

Hawke pushed himself up into a sitting position, out of breath, the memory of the pain still lingering in his mind but he only thing he cared about right now was if Fenris was okay. As he quietly stared at Fenris’ tattooed back, the marks of lyrium circling over the shaking muscles, feeling of sorrow swept over him, he wanted to reach out to him, _it’s alright, I love you, I love you_ , but he reluctantly settled in staring. Touches or consoling words would only make the situation worse. Fenris would say something when he was ready. He always did.

 

This time it took a lot longer than typically. After several, gruelling, painful minutes, Fenris’ shaking voice, barely audible, broke the silence.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

It was then when Hawke got up and sat next to him, close but not close enough for their bodies to touch. Fenris’ cheeks were streaked with tears that were still dropping down his jaw, his lips were shaking and eyes closed. Fenris always cried so quietly, another thing that the years as a slave had altered about him, making him feel like he needed to hide his hurt, his pain.

 

Old habits die hard, no matter how many times Hawke, whispering in Fenris’ ear, running fingers through his white hair, reminded him that he would always be there for him and all his hurt if he needed someone, that he didn’t need to hide anything because Hawke cared, _he cared so much_ , that seeing him breaking down inside and not allowing Hawke to comfort him felt worse than anything else in the world.

 

As Hawke stared at the broken elf, he felt angry, not at Fenris but _for_ Fenris, how the people in his past had hurt him in ways that still crept up to him no matter how hard Fenris worked to heal. Fenris didn’t deserve any of this, he deserved better, _he deserved the best_ , not this, never this, having to fear every time he laid his head down to sleep. Hawke stared at the person he loved most in this godforsaken hell of a world, shaking, crying and -

 

“I love you.” Hawke blushed as the words escaped his mouth, a hastily whispered declaration of love that was out of place, out of time, out of everything really, but he couldn’t help himself. He did, love him, and he needed to let Fenris know that no matter what happened, he would continue to do that. Always.

 

A noise that resembled something of a laughter made it’s way through the tears as Fenris turned to look at him.

 

“Why?”

 

The question made Hawke’s heart stop as Fenris stared at him with a blank face, shoulders down, body still shaking, gripping the sheets so tight his knuckles turned white. Hawke’s vision started to go blurry as his eyes watered and he raised his hand to wipe the forming tears away, although he’d have much rather used it to wipe the tears from Fenris’ cheeks. This was not how this conversation was supposed to go. Fenris always started with apologizing, then Hawke told him it’s okay and said something to comfort him, after which Fenris was supposed to lay his head on Hawke’s shoulder and then they’d sit together in silence until Fenris would grab his hand and Hawke would pull him on his lap. Then again, the situation had never gotten this far before.

 

_Why?_

 

Hawke let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding as the question repeated itself in his head like a broken record. Fenris had sounded so broken, so vulnerable, so fragile Hawke was afraid that his words would break him, no matter the response.

 

Hawke opened his mouth but no sound came through, sadness choking the words before they got out of his throat. Fenris turned his head to look away.

 

“I see I’ve hurt you again.”

 

Hawke was still unable to speak so he shifted his hand in a flush of panic to slightly touch Fenris’ fingers, a mistake, of course, as Fenris flinched and moved further away from him, lifting his feet up and pulling the sheets to cover himself even more so that none of the tattoos showed anymore. Hawke’s panic grew as he watched his loved one pull further and further away from him, not just physically but also mentally, and there was nothing he could do.

 

It took all of Hawke’s concentration and willpower to blurt out one word. “Fenris..”

 

Clearly it was a mistake as well, as Fenris’ body started shaking even worse under the covers, his white hair slightly moving around. Hawke was about to continue when he heard Fenris whispering.

 

“I almost killed you.” Fenris’ voice faded away and this time Hawke could clearly hear him sobbing, a sound that broke his heart and made him want to hold him, _just let me hold you god damn it_ , and it killed him that he couldn’t because it would just cause Fenris more pain.

 

“Fenris.” Hawke repeated. “You didn’t do-”

 

Hawke stopped abruptly as Fenris threw the sheets away and jumped off from the bed, his tattoos glowing again faintly as they always did when Fenris got angry.

 

“Don’t you understand? _I almost killed you._ This can’t go on, I can’t-” The words coming out of Fenris’ mouth started out as a yell but towards the end they faded into a whisper, just like the glow of the tattoos. Fenris turned his back to Hawke, breathing heavily, his shoulders dropping down.

 

Hawke grabbed the sheets and walked up to him, placing the fabric on his shoulders. Fenris flinched from the touch again but for Hawke’s relief, he didn’t pull away as Hawke covered him up.

 

“I’m sorry, I should’ve been here sooner”, Hawke whispered into Fenris’ ear and inhaled the familiar scent of him, _home, you are my home_ , before forcing himself to pull back.

 

“I would never hurt you.” Fenris’ voice broke down as he pressed his head against Hawke’s chest, the wet touch of his face lifting a weight off of Hawke’s shoulders. Hawke let out another breath of relief and pulled him closer, being finally able to hold him, his hands pressing gently on Fenris’ back, trying to avoid the parts of skin that the tattoos covered.

 

“I know.” Hawke whispered and ran his fingers through Fenris’ hair, who lifted his head up to meet Hawke’s eyes. Hawke smiled at him faintly, which resulted in Fenris raising his hand to caress Hawke’s cheek, fingers slowly moving towards his lips.

 

“I love you”, Fenris murmured, his fingers now tracing the edges of Hawke’s lower lip.

 

“I know”, Hawke managed to respond before Fenris kissed him, _I love you more than anything_ , he continued in his head and Fenris pressed his body closer to Hawke's, as if he had somehow heard the words.


	2. II

Hawke’s hand, still half asleep, moved around in the darkness, trying to reach the warmth of another person but the only thing his fingers could find were the cold sheets. Surprised, Hawke lazily opened his eyes and instead of Fenris’ painfully gorgeous face or his defined back, the lonely sight of an empty bed met his eyes.

 

Hawke shot up from the bed as if he had been electrocuted,  _ what has happened, he’s supposed to be here, he’s supposed to be here _ , pacing around frantically, searching for clues, for an explanation, for anything to let him know why Fenris wasn’t by his side, his breathing getting faster and faster, pulse pounding in his ears as the panic grew, but then,  _ what is this _ , a letter lying on the floor, causing a relieved sigh to escape his lips as he crouched down to lift it.

 

“I’m sorry but I had to leave-”, Hawke muttered aloud, his eyes quickly moving from one word to another, his panic decreasing ever so slightly as he worked his way towards the end of the letter,  _ couldn’t risk hurting you- _ ,  _ time alone-, I am yours,  _ cringing on the last set of words,  _ Fenris dear you are only your own not anyone else’s, _ and then the letter stopped abruptly, ending on Fenris’ hastily written name.

 

“Where did you go”, Hawke whispered, reading the letter over and over again in case he had missed something, but Fenris had offered no clues as to his whereabouts nor no further explanation as to why he had felt the need to leave, other than that he didn’t want to risk hurting Hawke again.  _ God damn it Fenris,  _ it was way too dangerous to let him sleep alone,  _ I can’t lose you _ , Hawke kept thinking as he put on the armor as fast as he could and grabbed the staff that was leaning against the wall next to the bed. The best place to start looking would be Fenris’ own mansion.

 

As soon as he opened the front door he saw them, a band of thugs, probably in hopes of getting some money out of the “Champion of Kirkwall”, but a single swing of the staff wiped them all out faster than they could pull out their swords. Hawke didn’t really know why they still kept trying as he stepped over the bodies, their still flaming clothes warming him up in the cold night, the smell of burned flesh rising up to his nose,  _ good luck to the person cleaning this mess up _ , continuing to head towards Fenris’ place, his fingers wrapping tight around the staff.

 

After the third set of knocks and the door still standing closed in front of him, Hawke forced the door open himself, a stonefist escaping his staff, knocking the door almost off its hinges. The mansion felt eerily quiet, the only sound being his armor clanking slightly with each step he took and Hawke hesitated for a moment before calling out Fenris’ name, somehow feeling like any excess sound would make something horrible happen.

 

“Fenris, are you here?” Hawke’s question echoed from the walls as he reached for his staff again and stepped in the hall, rubble still scattered around it, broken paintings, glass shards, empty wine bottles. Fenris had never been the one keen on organizing things. With no answer, he started climbing up the stairs leading to the bedroom, the eerie feeling traveling down his spine,  _ you shouldn’t live here by yourself,  _ hoping that once he would open the door he would find Fenris sleeping there safe and sound, a peaceful look on his face and this time Hawke would get to wake him up with a hundred kisses, not just passionate ones on his lips but shy, quick ones on his forehead, his nose, a couple on top of his head in the middle of the white hair, on his neck with a few gentle bites while running fingers through his hair,  _ why did you leave? _

 

So Hawke hoped and hoped, placing his hand on the doorknob,  _ please be here please be here, _ closing his eyes for a moment before slowly pushing the door, taking a deep breath while it swung open,  _ shit _ , the room was empty, cold, dark, and the panic hit Hawke like a slap on his face.  _ Where the hell are you,  _ he looked around the room for an explanation but found only more questions,  _ where else could you be _ , storming out of the mansion, slamming the door shut behind him. “Where are you”, Hawke whispered to the empty street, directing his steps towards Lowtown and The Hanged Man, but the only response he got was the wind humming in his ears. 

 

“Hawke!” Hawke heard Varric’s voice as soon as he stepped into the tavern and turned his head to see him sitting on one of the tables, smiling and gesturing at Hawke to join him on the table. Hawke tried to wipe the some of the blood off his armor as he glanced around, but saw only unfamiliar faces as the ever so pleasant mixture of sour ale, vomit and desperation hit his nose, as Fenris had perfectly summarized the smell the first time they had visited the tavern together.  _ Damn it you fool _ , the memory making Hawke smile briefly but it turned into a frown as he sat down at the table, facing Varric.

 

“Well, you’re looking worried”, Varric’s usual smug smile was gone and replaced by a worried wrinkle on his forehead, something Hawke hadn’t seen often. Hawke shook his head at the pint Varric was pushing in his direction, which made Varric raise an eyebrow.

 

“Have you seen Fenris?”

 

Varric lowered his gaze and stared down at the table as he cursed silently. “He’s not with you? Shit.”

 

Varric’s response made Hawke’s blood run cold and his hands shake,  _ shit, shit, shit _ , breathing getting difficult as he shot up from the table,  _ if Varric doesn’t know then nobody does _ , all the voices around him seemed to come from a place far away as he banged his fist on the table out of frustration.

 

“I need to find him.”

 

As soon as the words escaped Hawke’s lips, he heard someone storming into the tavern, shouting his name and as he turned around, Anders panting in front of him, his face red as if he had just ran for miles.

 

“Hawke, it’s Fenris. You need to come with me.”

 

Hawke’s heart stopped in that instant, a shock that traveled  through his body, making him unable to speak, unable to feel, numbness, as he nodded at Anders and started following him in a haze, Varric shouting something after him but he couldn’t tell what as his head was filling with images of a hurt Fenris, blood smearing his snowy white hair, his voice screaming from pain inside his head the whole way Anders led him to Darktown to the clinic, a journey that at the same time felt so long and so short, Anders stopping and explaining something to him but the words sounded like they had melted together and nothing made sense as Anders opened the door and Hawke stepped in to see Fenris, standing there leaning against a wall and-

 

“Oh god, you’re okay. You’re okay.” Fenris turned around and Hawke ran to him, grabbing him in his arms, squeezing as tight as he could, a weight off his shoulders as well as his heart,  _ he’s okay, he’s okay _ , but as Fenris stood still in his embrace, he let go and took a step back, examining him better, Fenris turning his head away.

 

“He stormed in here, saying that I must do something to make the nights stop.” Hawke turned his attention to Anders who had a slight expression of sympathy on his face, directed at Fenris, something Hawke hadn’t seen from him before.

 

“Like what?” Hawke could hear Fenris shift next to him.

 

“Like remove part of his memories with magic.” The words coming out of Anders’ mouth made Hawke feel like something sharp was piercing his heart, _ why,  _ a pain that slowly spread to every cell on his body, Fenris still avoiding his gaze, Anders turning his head away, Hawke standing there inches away from his love but somehow the distance felt greater than anything he could ever imagine,  _ why why why _ , his knees feeling weaker,  _ I need to sit down _ .

 

“I managed to calm him down but-” Ander’s voice faded somewhere where it could not be heard anymore.

 

Hawke pushed his hand against the wall for support and let his head drop down, closing his eyes, _breathe, breathe_ , everything seemed unreal, Fenris, _my love_ , asking to be altered with magic, asking to alter who he was, was the situation really this bad, _how did I not notice I should’ve stayed awake I should’ve-, No_ , Anders is lying, this can’t be, _this can’t be_.

 

“Fenris?” The way Hawke pleaded his name was soaked in desperation, hoping that Fenris would burst into laughter, wrinkles forming around his eyes, folding himself in half, holding his stomach, wheezing in between laughters to get some air into his lungs, that this was some kind of a sick joke, that this was-

 

Hawke’s running mind was interrupted by a touch, fingers on his shoulder, pressing tight but not too tight, balancing between comforting and intimidating. He lifted his head, beautiful green eyes staring right into his,  _ I’m sorry  _ written all over them, the fingers squeezing tighter, a quiet voice flowing into his ears,  _ Let’s go home _ , nodding, pressing his hand on top of the one on his shoulder, a silent  _ thank you _ mouthed at Anders who nodded in response. Hawke’s hand in Fenris’, leaving the clinic behind, walking in silence all the way to home,  _ he called it his home _ , the touch worth more than a thousand words.

 

As the door closed behind them, Fenris’ hand escaped Hawke’s, Fenris taking a few, slow steps forwards before stopping dead in the middle of the room, his head dropping down, fingers tightening into fists and then relaxing again, over and over, the motion catching Hawke’s eye, standing there watching the hands move in the same rhythm as Fenris’ heaving back,  _ up and down up and down _ , for seconds, minutes, hours, Hawke did not know, his trance suddenly ending in words quietly crawling their way out of Fenris’ mouth.

 

“I- I didn’t know what to do. I  _ don’t  _ know what to do, I don’t know-”, the white hair twirling as Fenris turned around, his posture screaming for someone to hold him and Hawke was there in an instant, catching Fenris as he let himself fall to his arms, carrying him,  _ he weighs less than before _ , one step at a time, pushing the bedroom door open with his leg. As Hawke tried to let Fenris’ weary body gently drop onto the bed, Fenris grabbed his arm, not willing to let the warmth of his touch go, locking his eyes with Hawke’s and he had no other choice, not that he wanted any choices in that moment, than to fall on the bed next to him, Fenris tucking himself deeper in Hawke’s embrace.

 

“Not everything can be resolved with direct action. Like sticking a sword through it. Or a hand, for that matter”, Hawke tried to lighten the mood, his lips pressed against Fenris’ forehead, hands gently stroking his back, rubbing circles in a slow motion. “But we’ll figure this out”, whispering empty words, he knew it, but Fenris still needed to hear them from time to time.

 

Fenris pushed his head upwards, forcing Hawke to lift his, noticing a slight smile before his gaze wandered into Fenris’ eyes, and for the first time in days there was a look on them indicating that this time Fenris actually believed Hawke’s words,  _ hope _ , something that they had desperately needed lately, something that they still needed more than anything else. 

 

“Promise?” Fenris managed to ask, no, more like confirm, his eyes slowly closing, breathing getting heavier,  _ tired, you must be so tired _ , Hawke pushing a small kiss on Fenris’ nose while tracing his jawline with his fingertips, getting a sleepy smile in return. Slowly, ever so slowly he pulled himself away from Fenris who had drifted away into what may have looked like peaceful sleep but in reality was anything else but.

  
“I promise”, Hawke whispered to his now slightly snoring lover, who’s lips curved up into a small smile, maybe a coincidence, maybe not, running his fingers through the white hair a few times before getting up and quietly sneaking out of the room to the study. Somewhere, hidden in the middle of a bookshelf, in the pages of a torn book, in between the lines, maybe, just maybe, he could find some answers for them,  _ for Fenris,  _ but deep down he knew that this was not something written words could provide any answers for, only more questions. Still, as Hawke balanced the pile of books back into the bedroom, sitting down, lifting his gaze up from the open pages every once in a while to check on Fenris, he sure as hell was going to try every single way there was to hopefully make life easier for the elf quietly sleeping under the covers, slowly starting to glow.


	3. III

_ Don’t move, not a twitch, stay silent and you’ll be okay, you got this, you got this. _

 

Hawke slowly lifted his gaze up and tried to keep his face steady even though he could feel the tiny drops of sweat starting to form on his forehead, catching himself just before he was about to raise his hand to wipe them away. He relaxed all his facial muscles and stared blankly ahead, eyes fixed on nothing, being very aware of the eyes around him, studying his every breath. The amount of people staring at him wasn’t exactly what worried him the most, but the fact that one of them was Fenris.

 

He knew his every tell.

 

Hawke turned his attention back to his cards but the hand was just as shitty as it had been the last time he had checked, and the pile of mostly his own coins on the table twinkled in the faint candle light. Without thinking about it, Hawke bit his lip out of frustration and as soon as he noticed his mistake he raised his head and saw Fenris grinning at him from the other side of the table.  _ Shit. _

 

“I’ll raise another gold.”

 

Fenris smiled at every word, staring right into Hawke’s eyes as he pushed the coins ahead,  _ fuck you _ , Hawke mouthed back and Fenris grinned even wider, his hand moving exaggeratedly slowly towards the pile of coins in between them.

 

Hawke threw his cards on the table and buried his face on his hands as the people around him jumped up from their seats and started to cheer. Hawke peeped through the cracks of his fingers to see Fenris with his arms up in the air, a wine bottle in his hand, spilling it so it flowed down his arm and dropped onto the floor, the red liquid intertwining with the white tattoos,  _ you are the most gorgeous thing in this world _ .

 

“And the Champion falls!” Varric’s voice filled the tavern as Hawke felt a pat on his shoulder, revealing his face to see people lifting up the chair Fenris was sitting on and couldn’t help but to smile even though the bitter taste of defeat was still dancing around his mouth as he saw Fenris smiling from ear to ear, waving the wine bottle around as people chanted his name in an ever-increasing volume. Hawke got up, trying to look all defeated and sad to earn himself some pity, but he was failing horribly as Fenris jumped down in front of him, looking happier than he had in months, laughing loudly with a twinkle in his eyes.

 

Hawke bowed down and grabbed Fenris’ hand, placing a kiss on it, lingering his lips on the skin so long it grew awkward, people starting to whistle, and Fenris playfully punched Hawke’s shoulder with the wine bottle still in his hand. Hawke let go of his lovers hand and straightened his back, Fenris stepped closer to him, wrapping his arms around Hawke’s neck, still smiling,  _ god you have such a beautiful smile. _

 

“The better man wins”, Hawke whispered into Fenris’ ear and before he knew it, Fenris’ lips met his and the taste of red wine spread across his mouth, still lingering there when Fenris pulled himself away a few seconds later, moving his lips across Hawke’s cheek, barely touching the skin, heading towards Hawke’s ear.

 

“Take me out of here.”

 

The way Fenris said the words as he bit Hawke’s ear made Hawke want to suffocate him with kisses right there and then but he settled in lifting Fenris up in his arms, the wine bottle slipping away from his surprised fingers and smashing against the floor, pieces of green glass everywhere, Fenris laughing and Hawke joining him, their laughter mixing with the tavern owner’s shouting, mad, Hawke winking at Varric who swept the coins from the table into a pouch and threw it to Fenris who grabbed it with ease and Hawke rushed out of the tavern with Fenris still in his arms, Fenris throwing his hands up in the air and his head back, their laughter filling the dark streets all the way to home.

 

As soon as the door closed behind them their lips collided, a hot mess, bumping into walls, Fenris’ hands sliding under Hawke’s shirt as Hawke placed his hands on Fenris’ waist, skin against skin feeling like tiny electric shocks, their clothes scattered around the hall, their kisses tasting like wine and their teeth leaving red marks on each others skin, fingernails sinking in each others backs, bodies intertwining like they were meant to be glued together, silent moans disappearing in each others mouths until they turned into tired breaths,  _ I love you _ , whispered back and forth for so long the words started to feel unreal even though their love was the realest thing for them both in that moment, nothing else mattered, nothing else existed until they forced themselves to part, the weight of the world setting on their shoulders again, heavy, but no longer did it feel like it was too much carry.

 

As they fell back on the bed, the reality catching up with them again, Fenris laid his head on Hawke’s shoulder and he pulled the sheets to cover their sweaty bodies, placing a kiss on Fenris’ cheek, who turned to look at Hawke with a puzzled frown on his face, Hawke lifting an eyebrow, asking for an explanation.

 

“What you said back at the tavern-” Fenris started.

 

“Well, I said fuck you and I delivered, didn’t I?”

 

A raspy laugh escaped Fenris’ lips as he threw his head back, eyes closed, small wrinkles appearing around them and the sight made Hawke’s heart race even more than it had a few moments ago,  _ happy _ ,  _ he was happy _ , maybe just for a few seconds but those are the seconds that cancel out every bad day, no,  _ even an entire bad week _ , but then the moment was gone and Fenris’ face turned back into its normal, serious self.

 

“I meant what you said about me being-”, he paused for a while, turning his head to look away from Hawke. “- a better man.”

 

Hawke brushed the white hair aside as he placed a kiss on Fenris’ cheek, breathing out the words. “What about it?”

 

“Just - don’t lie to me to make me feel better.”

 

Hawke lifted his lips from Fenris’ skin and pushed himself a little farther away so he could inspect Fenris’ face, frowning.

 

“I wasn’t.” Hawke raised his hand to caress Fenris’ cheek but the elf avoided his touch, the wrinkle on his forehead growing deeper.

 

“And just how am I the better man?” Fenris started, pushing himself up, moving to sit on the edge of the bed, staring down at the floor between his feet, resting his head on his hands. “I am the messed up one and  I - I almost kill myself when I'm asleep,  I almost kill  _ you _ and you just - you keep saving me, pulling me to the surface, keeping me alive to live yet another day, to  _ fight _ another day because this is all life is right now, fighting an enemy I don’t know how to kill and neither do you but still you’re always there, fighting with me,  _ for me _ , always picking me up when I fall down and always there to stop me from bleeding even if I’d just like to let it all drain out of me and still you keep loving me and I don’t know why or how and I don’t deserve any of this, I don’t deserve your love, I don’t deserve -  _ you _ .”

 

While Fenris was delivering his unusually long monologue, Hawke had gotten up from the bed and sat down next to him, grabbing his hand and squeezing it tight. After Fenris’ voice faded away he turned to look at Hawke,  _ pain, he is in so much pain _ , and Hawke pulled him on his lap, Fenris laying his head on Hawke’s shoulder, starting to shiver. Hawke brushed Fenris’ hair behind his ear and placed a kiss on his forehead before whispering an answer.

 

“I may be the one to offer you a hand when you’re drowning but it’s you who takes it, it’s you who kicks and fights until you make it to the surface, it’s you who’s always the first to fight back and I just follow your lead, and even after all that’s happened, you’re still alive and you’re still able to love and don’t you get it? I spend my every waking minute looking up to you because you are the strongest person I have ever met, I still cannot and I never will be able to understand just what you’ve been through, just how hard you’ve had to fight, how strong you’ve had to be to make it here,  _ next to me _ , and you deserve every single good thing this life has to offer and more and I am so thankful that our paths crossed when they did because there is no other person in this entire hell-forsaken world I could imagine myself loving but you.”

 

As Hawke spoke, the shivers traveling through Fenris’ body got less frequent until they finally stopped and the elf wrapped his arms around Hawke, squeezing harder with each word. When Hawke stopped speaking, Fenris lifted his head and Hawke could see him smiling softly before he felt Fenris’ lips on his, a long, soft kiss tasting like wine even after Fenris pulled his head back, tucking himself closer to Hawke, placing his jaw on Hawke’s shoulder and as Hawke lifted his arms to start rubbing Fenris’ back, he heard Fenris’ barely audible whisper, filling the air with silent relief.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Hawke felt a tiny sting on his heart caused by the apologizing tone on Fenris’ voice,  _ you have nothing to feel sorry for _ , as he wrapped his arms around Fenris and let his body fall back to the bed, Fenris falling with him, on top of him, a surprised laugh escaping Fenris’ lips as Hawke rolled over and Fenris was caught under him, the white hair all over the place, mixing with the night black of Hawke’s as Hawke touched Fenris’ forehead with his, making the other corner of the elf’s lips curl up a bit and Hawke could feel Fenris’ fingers running along his spine, carefully examining every vertebrae before moving on to the next, lower and lower.

 

“Fenris, it should be me thank-” 

 

Hawke didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence when Fenris kissed him again,  _ why do you always do this when we try to talk seriously? _ , fingers sinking deeper into Hawke’s back, his tongue dancing around Hawke’s mouth,  _ not that I’m complaining, _ and Hawke could feel him smiling, a thing that still made his stomach flutter, but just as he gave in to the kiss and pressed his body closer to Fenris’, the elf’s lips escaped his and the next thing he knew he was thrown to the side, Fenris now on top of him, kissing his neck.

 

“You talk too much.” Fenris breathed into Hawke’s skin and Hawke couldn’t help but to laugh as he wrapped his arms around the elf who lifted his head, eyes briefly meeting Hawke’s, a quick glimpse of a devious smile,  _ god I love you _ , before their mouths collided again, the taste of wine tingling on Hawke’s tongue and he knew that he could never again drink the red kind without thinking about Fenris’ lips, strong and silky,  _ just like the wine _ , all over his body.


	4. IV

The dusty taste of yesterday’s wine filled Hawke’s mouth as he woke up, gently rubbing his neck that was still feeling sore after all the declarations of love Fenris had written on the skin with his teeth last night. Head pounding, Hawke laid still for a while, the taste of old alcohol in his mouth making him want to throw up but slowly, he forced his eyelids to part.

 

And that’s when he saw the blood.

 

It was everywhere. The before so pearly white sheets had been colored as red as the Hawke family crest embroidered in the corner of them, it was all over Hawke’s body, warm and sticky, it was dripping down the walls, pooling on the floor, sending Hawke into blind panic, his body freezing from the shock, and that’s when he heard a noise, a heartbeat, pulsating in a fastening pace, first he thought it was his own heart frantically pumping blood to his panicked body but then it started growing louder and louder, filling the whole room, echoing from the walls, the noise drilling into Hawke’s head, so loud he could feel his ears starting to bleed and slowly, ever so slowly, holding his head between his hands, Hawke turned to see where the noise was coming from and there, on the floor next to the bed, a heart, pulsing, strains of glowing lyrium leaking from it, circling on the floor, pulsating in the same rhythm as the heart and Hawke’s mouth opened to a yell as the tears burned his eyes and then -

 

The dusty taste of yesterday’s wine filled Hawke’s mouth as he opened his eyes and he shot up from the bed, gasping, his neck still feeling sore after all the declarations of love Fenris had written on the skin with his teeth last night. Head pounding, Hawke looked to his side and for his relief, all he saw was the morning sun playing on the white sheets.

 

Before Hawke even realized Fenris’ absence, his mind still occupied with the relief caused by the missing blood, the door to the bedroom opened and Hawke turned his head to see Fenris walking in, yawning and stretching, lifting his defined arms in the air as the sun glimmered on his naked body, the white tattoos looking striking on the brown skin as the light washed over them.

 

Hawke swallowed down the tears and restricted himself from running up to Fenris to grab him in his arms, _it was just another dream,_ forcing a smile on his face as he stared at the elf, admiring the view from which Fenris took notice of, laughing dryly as he climbed to the bed next to Hawke, brushing his white hair behind his ears.

 

_He doesn’t need to know._

 

“Did you sleep at all?” Hawke asked as he stretched his aching neck to place a quick kiss on Fenris’ cheek, closing his eyes and breathing in the faint, familiar smell of lyrium, crackling in his nose like thunder, lifting up the hairs in his arms, reminding him that this was real and they were alive and the only blood in the room was the one circling in their veins just below the skin touching skin as Fenris laid his head on Hawke’s shoulder, yawning again, shaking his head as an answer.

 

Hawke stayed quiet, stroking Fenris’ hair, watching the elf’s eyelids start closing every few seconds before Fenris caught himself and snapped awake, only to almost fall asleep again. After a while Hawke opened his mouth, the question burning his tongue and even though he knew asking it would be a bad move, he had to.

 

“Have you thought about what I said the other day?”

 

Fenris quickly lifted his head, the dreamy look in his eyes disappearing as they narrowed and he stared at Hawke, arms crossed over his chest, hands tightening into fists, _please_ _don’t do this again, close yourself off_. As Fenris opened his mouth to answer, his voice contained a faint hint of anger, overpowered by the tiredness that made the words coming out sound less powerful than what they were intended to be.

 

“I do not want to have this fight again. I will not let unnecessary magic near my body.”

 

Hawke reached out to Fenris who averted the touch, the white hair moving sharply as he turned his back on Hawke _, please don’t do this._

 

“How is this different from the magic I use to calm you down?”

 

Fenris snapped, turning to look at Hawke with fire in his eyes, the soft glow of the tattoos laying faint shadows on his face, deepening his features and the circles below his eyes, the sight startling Hawke, _this is slowly killing you_ , Fenris’ hands still in fists, the knuckles turning as white as the sheets around them.

 

“It makes all the difference” Fenris hissed with a raised voice. “I allow it because it’s the only thing that keeps me from pulling out my own fucking heart - or yours.”

 

“You will soon start pulling them out when you’re awake as well, if you keep going without sleep”, Hawke pleaded, _I can’t lose you, not to this, not like this_. “It’s just-”

 

“A spell that binds my body so I can’t move. I would be-”

 

“Vulnerable”, Hawke ended the sentence and Fenris twitched at the word, turning his head away, closing his eyes. “I am begging you to let your guard down for once because this is slowly killing you, I am here, I am protecting you.”

 

Fenris’ head dropped down as he shook it. “There are things you cannot protect me from, Hawke.”

 

“Fenris, Danarius is dead, no one is after you anymore. Also, I _did_ protect you from him. With fireballs.”

 

The elf scoffed. “Danarius was just one magister in a world of dozens. ‘Lyrium ghost’ is a name that does not just go away.” Fenris spat the words out of his mouth like they were poisonous. “Every slaver on this earth wants to find me.”

 

Hawke stayed silent, staring at Fenris whose posture shifted from angry to sad, tired, _afraid_.

 

“They should all be dead”, the elf whispered, his shoulders dropping down, the sound of his tired voice breaking Hawke’s heart, sharp pain all over his body, this is not fair, _broken, they broke you, they-_

 

“They _will_ all be dead.” Hawke didn’t recognize his own voice as the words escaped his mouth, his hatred towards Fenris’ abusers ringing in his ears, burning his throat, flaming inside of him, _I will kill them all_.

 

_I will kill them all twice._

 

Fenris slowly lifted his head, his mouth opening and then closing again, a wrinkle appearing on his forehead as he leaned in closer to Hawke, fingers running along the skin on Hawke’s arm, leaving a trail of lifted hairs behind.

 

“You’re saying -”

 

“No, I’m _promising_ , that one day, we are going to hunt every last one of those sick bastards down and you’re going to pull out their hearts for a change.” As Hawke spoke, the fingers tracing his skin stopped moving, and he looked up to see Fenris’ face, mouth wide open, a slight smile hiding at the corners of it, eyes lighting up, a million shades of green revealed, _how can anyone be so beautiful_ , the sight making Hawke speechless.

 

“You and me, killing slavers?” Fenris sounded surprised, but the edges of his lips curled up even more, giving his voice a slight tone of happiness, making Hawke smile softly as he wrapped his arm around the elf, lips brushing the edges of the pointy ear.

 

“Anything with you, _for you._ ”

 

Fenris tilted his head to look at Hawke, his face now opening up to a full smile, making the shadows disappear, softening his features and for a second Hawke could imagine him, happy, healed, free of the hurt in his past, the illusion shattered when Fenris opened his mouth and the tiredness in his voice flowed into Hawke’s ears, but once again Hawke was reminded of what he was fighting for, _who_ he was fighting for, and a new wave of determination flowed inside his veins. He would let nothing get in between Fenris being happy, healed. Nothing.

 

_Whatever it takes_ . _No matter who I have to kill_.

 

“And they say romance is dead.” Fenris, still smiling, pushed his forehead against Hawke’s cheek, the white hair tickling Hawke’s nose and he let out a chuckle.

 

“Ah, it’s all the roses, they are so last season, it’s the hearts of one’s enemies that _really_ shows that you care.”

 

Fenris threw his head back in a short burst of laughter and then placed his hands on Hawke’s shoulders, pushing him down on the bed, his perfectly sculpted body brushing over Hawke’s as he rolled over next to him, whispering a silent _thank you_ in Hawke’s ear before wrapping himself in the sheets around them.

 

“Don’t thank me yet”, Hawke answered as he rolled under the sheets, crawling his way to Fenris’ side, head popping out under the covers, making the elf smile again, causing a hint of guilt to creep its way in Hawke’s chest because he knew that what he was about to say next would wipe it away. “We can’t go on our romantic journey to rip hearts from people’s chests if you die from the lack of sleep first.”

 

Hawke’s words did indeed turn the smile on Fenris’ face into a frown and the elf turned his head to look away, fingers wandering to the white lines on his neck, circling over them even though the pain it caused made his jaw twitch at times, a motion that let Hawke know Fenris needed someone to pull him away from his thoughts.

 

_Hey_ , Hawke whispered softly as he took Fenris’ hand away from the tattoos, kissing the fingers gently before placing them on his own neck, on top of the red marks Fenris had left there last night, slowly starting to bruise.

 

“These are what’s real now. The tattoos and what they represent aren’t.”

 

Fenris’ eyes wandered to Hawke’s neck and as Hawke let go of his hand, Fenris’ fingers started slowly tracing the red marks, his touch so light Hawke wasn’t even sure if he was touching his skin or not.

 

_Lyrium ghost they call you and every day you become more like one._

  
The dusty taste of yesterday’s wine mixed in with the rusty taste of blood as Hawke bit his lip at the thought and closed his eyes, hoping that he’d said enough to convince Fenris so that the nickname the silent elf, tucking himself deeper in Hawke’s arms, fingers still circling the edges of the bruising marks, had been given, wouldn’t turn into reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey you lovely people who read this thing! so the next chapter will most likely be a little late, every single chapter just takes a ton of time to write and edit because I want them to be the absolute best they can be, and I won't have that time in the near future due to school. the last thing I want to do is give you a half-assed chapter to read, I rather update a little later so I can give you my very best (because you, my lovelies, are the best), hope you understand!


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, an apology: I am super sorry for being away for so long, and hope that this chapter was worth the wait even though I had and have huge problems with it.
> 
> Secondly, a big big big thank you for everyone reading this, leaving kudos and extremely lovely comments that make my days, I am so happy that there are people who enjoy what I’ve written so thank you thank you!
> 
> (Thirdly, you can find me on tumblr under the same name , writing prompts for one shots are extremely welcome! As are any and other messages too.)

Hawke could sense the shift in the air that happens when someone suddenly breathes the same air as you and he lifted his eyes up from the books to see Fenris standing in front of him, dripping wet, white hair hanging flatly over the face that seemed to be made of skin and bone and very little else, eyes that shade of red that told you someone had been crying for hours but it was impossible to know whether Fenris was crying right now or not, possible tears blending with the water that flowed down his body, pooling on the floor beneath him, slowly turning red from the bloody sword Fenris let slip from his hands.

 

After their talk a few days ago, Fenris had left. Not in a dramatic, closing the door in your face - kinda way, there was no fighting involved, but more in the quiet sense of spending some time alone to think, clear his head. And Hawke had respected that, keeping his distance but still, as he also _cared_ , he might have asked Anders to keep an eye on the elf, who seemed to be clearing his head by clearing out gangs of bandits in the not-so-safe streets of Darktown at night, not paying any attention to Anders following him but Hawke knew from the fact that he _let_ Anders follow him around in the first place without disappearing the second he noticed the mage, that Fenris had appreciated the gesture, someone looking after him but letting him still be alone in a sense.

 

And now he was here and Hawke was up so fast the books fell to the floor with a loud thud, hurrying Fenris, shaking, teeth rattling, to the fireplace, slowly tearing away layer after layer of wet clothes, the naked elf standing there for a while, staring blankly ahead before grabbing the shirt that Hawke pushed in his direction, pulling it over his head, the fabric hanging on his tiny frame like a dress as they stood there in silence, no words were necessary to express the relief Hawke was feeling at the moment or the fear embedded deep in Fenris’ bones.

 

They stood apart for a long while, staring at the roaring fire, the flames dancing like a young couple in love, the occasional sparkle escaping to the air only to go out soon, the loud crackles of the burning wood making Fenris twitch every so often, ever so slightly, but Hawke had learned to watch the elf so intensely he could tell how he was feeling from the smallest of things. Right now? Defeat. Shame. Fear. Hawke wanted to close the short distance between them, whisper in the trembling elf’s ear that none of those feelings were something he needed to feel right now, but who is another person to tell the other how are they supposed to feel and how they are not? All Hawke could come up with were empty words, consolations that meant absolutely nothing right now, nor they ever would. So he stood still, silent, until Fenris turned around to look at him.

 

_Maker, what has happened to you?_

 

“How many?”

 

Hawke’s voice was calm, analytical, balancing the thin line between cold and neutral as he tried to keep his face straight, Fenris’ closing eyes indicating that his answer would break Hawke’s heart, but the elf didn’t say a word.

 

“How. Many.”

 

The repeated words were meant to come out reassuring, but instead Hawke’s tone was bordering hostile because any softer would’ve made him break down and this was not the moment for that, especially when he could see the flash of Fenris’ tattoos, so fast that had he blinked he would’ve missed it, and so he readied himself for curses, yelling, hands on his chest, anger, but instead of doing any of that, Fenris started crying.

 

Not the kind you cry when you’re sad or afraid, loud sobs accompanied by deep breaths, wails of sorrow or fear escaping your lips every few seconds, nor was it the angry kind where you yell from the top of your lungs and the anger makes your eyes water, no, this was the kind of cry one cries when they know something terrible is about to happen, the kind of terrible that will tear you apart from the inside and there is nothing you can do to prevent it, no amount of sobs or wails or yells will stop it from happening, any effort to fight it just makes it worse, so you just - accept it. The kind of silent cry where you just stare blankly ahead, the color escaping your cheeks as the tears just happen but you barely notice they are there because the only thing you feel is numbness spreading to every inch of your body as you try to empty yourself from all emotion so that what comes next would maybe, just maybe, hurt a little less.

 

Any pain Hawke had previously felt in his life, the wounds so deep they cut all the way to the bone, the hemorrhages the blood mages had cast on him rupturing every vein in his body, the times he’d burned his arms to blisters from a fireball that left his staff in the wrong angle, even Fenris’ fingers clashing to his chest, slipping inside of it, nothing, absolutely nothing compared to the sting in his heart right now as he realized that this is how Fenris must’ve cried countless times back in Tevinter before making his escape but now he was here, supposed to feel safe, and still it was clear that safe was the last thing Fenris was feeling right now.

 

“Fifty-three”, the elf suddenly whispered with a tone stripped from all emotion, face still blank, eyes closed, the tears still rolling down his cheeks and the answer felt like someone had just turned the knife that was already pushed deep in Hawke’s heart.

 

Hawke wouldn’t have cared if the answer had been a few dozens, he wouldn’t have cared if it had been fifty, or even a hundred, but what made his heart burn and ache like nothing before in his life was that the answer Fenris had provided was an exact number.

 

_You counted every single person._

 

The tears forced themselves out from the corners of Hawke’s eyes and he took a deep breath, wiping them away because this wasn’t about him, this was about Fenris and right now, he needed to be there for him, not the other way around. Hawke stepped forward, trying to close the distance between them that in reality was only a few inches but felt like miles, not succeeding because even though Fenris’ eyes were still closed, he seemed to still sense Hawke’s intentions as the elf backed away.

 

“I just killed fifty-three people”, Fenris’ voice was shaking and trembling, weak, as was his body that seemed to grow smaller, like Fenris was trying to take up the smallest space possible as the tears still worked their way out of his closed eyelids.

 

“Bandits”, Hawke quickly corrected with a coarse voice, fighting to get the words out. “You killed _bandits_ , who would have otherwise hurt _people_ , hurt _you_.”

 

Fenris stayed quiet, the shaking of his now so tiny frame growing more frequent until he opened his eyes again, and when he did, Hawke couldn’t help the dams breaking in his eyes because he felt like instead of staring at the person he loved, the only thing he saw was the empty, broken shell of one. A ghost.

 

_The most painful thing you can do is love someone who is slowly ceasing to exist before your eyes._

 

And almost every night since Fenris had left, Hawke had watched him do just that. Sometimes beaten to death by a mace in a bandit’s hands, sometimes hunted down by a slaver whose fireball burned the skin off around Fenris’ bones but more often in the dreams, Fenris would just - stop from existing. They would lie down in bed, eat dinner, walk down the street, and then suddenly Fenris’ body would start breaking in front of Hawke’s eyes and there was nothing he could do, no bandits or slavers to kill, nothing to stop it from happening, nothing else to do than to watch Fenris’ life slowly leaving his body until there was nothing left but a pile of skin and bones that might have looked like Fenris but wasn’t anymore.

 

And the Fenris standing in front of him right now bore an alarming resemblance to the Fenris in his dreams.

 

Fenris’ sudden gasp ripped Hawke away from his thoughts as the elf’s legs suddenly betrayed him and he fell down, a shaking, trembling pile of skin and bones and white hair, staining red from the blood that was still dripping from the sharp edges of the sword bigger than the elf himself. Hawke kneeled down, picking the still shaking elf up from the floor, _my god you weigh less than that sword now_ , carrying Fenris to the bedroom as he had done so many times before, his legs taking them there as in a trance as his mind was trying to make sense of this, _of us_ , but nothing seemed to make sense anymore, nothing seemed to be _right_ anymore, _this was not how we were supposed to be, we were supposed to be happy, I was supposed to make you happy._

 

_Why can’t I make you happy?_

 

The trance ended as Hawke’s knees clashed against the hard wood of the bed and he gently laid Fenris down, pulling the sheets to cover the trembling body as he sat down on the edge of the bed, one hand resting on Fenris’ back as he used the other to brush away the black hair that had fallen down over his eyes.

 

“Hawke-”

 

Fenris’ pleading voice made it’s way out from under the sheets and Hawke turned to look at the elf who was clinging on to the edges of the white fabric as if his life depended on it.

 

“- I need your help.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I battled with the ending of this chapter for ages and decided that fuck it, this is how it’s gonna be because if two months of trying to come up with something else doesn’t work, nothing will. Sorry again for the long wait, will try to do better in the future!


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